Why You're Single

You’re under some sort of delusion that Romeo/Juliet/both/other exists

Did you seriously believe that story? Sorry to burst your bubble honey but it was just that, A STORY. Fiction that was written some 400 years ago by a guy who took far too much pleasure in killing off all his characters.People won’t serenade you from outside your window, Mr Darcy won’t fling himself into a still body of water and Taylor Swift will have many more teardrops on her guitar.

You’re too picky

What’s this? You want someone who’s smart, funny, good looking, actually cares about you and shares the same values you do? Want to throw in rich as well? Clearly you live on some other planet where such advanced alien concepts are possible. Down here on planet Earth you should consider yourself lucky if you’re getting laid by someone who covers one or maybe even TWO of the aforementioned.Just marry some old rich bastard and run off with all his cash. Wait for him to cark it, then go find yourself some sexy brainless toy boy until you get bored. Or until your money runs out, in which case you just go back and repeat the cycle.

The sex isn’t good

So what, you think you’re Lily Allen? That girl could get anyone to sleep with her now that she’s famous, but back in the day she had to put up with shit sex if she wanted a nice guy, and if you ARE getting good sex, he’s probably an arsehole.

You’re insanely desperate

Sadly, declaring eternal love on the first date isn’t very attractive. Unless of course, the person you are on a date with is also as desperate as you are, or a virgin. Unlike those romantic fairytales you hear on love song dedications (which you listen to diligently every night, just waiting for Mr/Ms Right to call up) or the shit that Shakespeare’s spun, announcing your undying affection 20 minutes in, isn’t a smart move.

You don’t put out on the first date

It all comes down to sex. Our society is built around it, well actually it’s built around the heavily revered penis, but that’s a whole other issue. Just take what you can get.

You put out on the first date

No one wants to tap the same shit twice.